


condition of my heart

by neujjam



Category: VIXX
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Dubious Morality, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Jealousy, Love Triangles, M/M, Not Sure Why I Wrote This, Open to Interpretation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-03 20:51:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12755994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neujjam/pseuds/neujjam
Summary: "You're really good at what you do," Jaehwan murmured, his breath warm against Wonsik's neck."What's that?"A tantalizingly slow smile grew on his face, "Lying."





	condition of my heart

**Author's Note:**

> because kim wonsik is a fine piece of work, and love triangles are the best way to write angst!

Wonsik sat on the banks of the Han River, a cigarette dangling loosely from his lips, scribbling absentmindedly in his notebook.

 _Even if I'm pricked by your thorns—_ his hand began to ache— _I like you._ Wonsik's head was spinning.  _I'll handle any pain that comes with holding you—_ his heart hurt— _It's all right if I'm hurt all day because of you._

When he realized what he was writing about—and  _who_ he was writing about—Wonsik dropped his pen, as if it had burned his hand. He cursed roughly in a low, husky voice, "Shit. Fuck." 

Gathering his things, Wonsik stood up, stretching and looking around. It was past midnight. He was alone. In the dim light of the streetlamps, he could see the empty streets and the lonely path that would lead him back to the dorms. He glanced at his phone, which had thirteen missed calls from Hakyeon, four from Hongbin, and three from Hyuk. Even though he was in no condition to stay out, he couldn't go back now—not tonight at least. 

Wonsik took a slow drag from his cigarette, finally feeling the warm buzz of alcohol in his system. 

He sighed and ran a hand through his black hair, closing his eyes and leaning against a tree. 

Where had he gone wrong? Where did friendly teasing and harmless flirting end and real emotions enter in to play? What was real and what was fantasy? Perhaps, he thought, he was just a bad person. Perhaps he had always known that the teasing wasn't  _just_ friendly, and the flirting wasn't  _really_ all that harmless. Maybe, Wonsik really just liked hurting people. Liked to play with feelings and mess around until inevitably, the latter would fall in love, and he could keep them at an arm's length away, until he found another person to toy with. 

 _Yeah, that must be it,_ Wonsik thought. _I'm just a bad person._

But where does it start? The beginning of desire?

 

* * *

 

Wonsik walked sleepily into the living room. The only reason he was awake was because Jaehwan had kicked the blankets off of the bed and he was awoken by his own chattering teeth. It was moments like those that made him really wanted to kick the child-like hyung out of his room. But before he could even move to get revenge, Jaehwan's hand had shot out, grabbing onto his shirt. 

"Sik-ah," he had murmured in his sleep. A smile formed on the sleeping male's pale face. "Sik-ah," he had called out so earnestly. Wonsik melted under the older's charming words, and lowered the fist he had raised. 

Now, wide awake and unable to go back to sleep, Wonsik left his room after carefully detangling himself from Jaehwan's tight hold. 

He was surprised to see another member awake, rummaging through the kitchen cabinets. 

"Taekwoon hyung?" Wonsik squinted, quickly running a hand through his messy hair. He always felt nervous when Taekwoon looked at him. He felt naked and exposed under his watchful gaze. It seemed like nothing got past him. "What are you doing up? It's three a.m.," 

"I'm hungry," he replied offhandedly, returning to his search. 

Wonsik joined him on the floor of the kitchen, playfully smiling. "I'm hungry too, hyung. Make me some ramen!" 

"Haven't you got any arms? Make your own ramen!" Taekwoon said, not unkindly. Nevertheless, he made room for Wonsik next to him, signaling for him to help look for the packets of instant noodle that Hakyeon always kept hidden, because the VIXX members always had a bit of a habit of eating midnight snacks. Especially Taekwoon and Jaehwan, who were notorious for their bad eating habits since their predebut days ("The heavier you are, the harder it is to kidnap you! I'm doing this for my own safety!" Jaehwan had once said, his mouth full with cupcake). 

"Ah, hyung, I'm so tired," Wonsik said, leaning his head against Taekwoon's shoulder. He felt him tense under his touch, and he smiled.  _Bingo._ "Can't you just make it by yourself? You're going to be making a pot anyways, just throw mine in with yours . . ." 

Taekwoon shifted away from him, "Get off, Ravi. Go to bed." 

Wonsik made no move to leave. The only thing that came to mind was that he had called him Ravi. Now that he thought about it, Taekwoon never really called him Wonsik. It was always Ravi. Painfully professional, but, at the same time, Wonsik liked it. It sent chills down his spine the way his hyung called his name. 

Wonsik leaned in closer to Taekwoon, so that his chin was resting on his shoulder, and his lips were almost making contact with his cheek. "Hyung," he said, suddenly aware of how quiet it was inside the dorms now that everyone was asleep. 

"What is it?" Taekwoon asked, fidgeting. 

"Have I ever told you that I like it when you call me Ravi?" 

Taekwoon laughed nervously, "What are you taking about? I call you Ravi all the time. This is so random." 

"I like it," Wonsik said. "It sounds nice the way you say it." 

If Taekwoon just turned his head a little, their lips would be touching. He watched, amused. 

Taekwoon opened his mouth to say something, his cat-like eyes revealing no emotion. "I—" he began, but was immediately cut off by another presence in the room. 

"What are you guys doing?" 

Wonsik looked up, startled. Jaehwan had woken up, and he was rubbing his eyes with the sleeves of his sweater, yawning. He looked especially small tonight, in an oversized red sweater and thin pajama pants. 

"Nothing," Wonsik smiled, getting up. He patted Jaehwan's soft blond hair with one hand, and rubbed the back of his neck with the other. Under his familiar touch, Jaehwan nestled. Wonsik swore he could see his tail wagging, just like a puppy's. "Aren't you sleepy, Jaejyani?" 

"Mmm," for a split second, while Wonsik was turned away, Taekwoon thought he saw Jaehwan's face contort into a look of betrayal, of hurt. But when he blinked, everything was back to normal, and Jaehwan was smiling again, curled up against Wonsik's side. "Let's go to bed, Wonsik-ah," Jaehwan glanced back where Taekwoon was still on the floor, watching everything. 

 

 

Kim Ravi and Kim Wonsik are two different people. Ravi is cool, sexy, and a talented producer and performer. Wonsik is silly, fun, and young. Ravi is a workaholic. Wonsik needs to be dragged out of bed. Ravi is a man, Wonsik is really just an overgrown boy. But perhaps, the most extreme difference between the two was where their heart lied. Kim Ravi is in love with his fellow member Jung Taekwoon, and Kim Wonsik is in love with his childish hyung, Lee Jaehwan. 

So, he wondered, his eyes never leaving Taekwoon's stoic face, which feeling is real and which is fake?

"Ravi!" Hakyeon called out, putting a hand on his shoulder as a warning and breaking his train of thought. "You seem really out of it today, huh?" He glanced at the camera, giving him a look that meant  _you're not acting cute enough._ "You seem very interested in Taekwoon lately." 

Wonsik sat up, smiling. "Yes! I really like that hyung," he reached over and touched his neck, pleased by Taekwoon's shy reaction. "He helps me a lot, and at night we eat together!" 

"What are you talking about?" Taekwoon's eyes widened, sending him a warning glare. "We don't do anything together at night." 

"Ah, don't be so shy, hyung! You know how much I like you," Wonsik smiled widely. "We've gotten much closer lately, right?" He put a hand on Taekwoon's leg, enjoying the blush on his cheeks. For a second, Taekwoon's hands lingered over his own, before quickly busying themselves with his microphone. 

Wonsik smiled, aware of Jaehwan's watchful gaze. 

 

 

Taekwoon was fidgeting nervously on the couch of Ravi's studio, unsure where to put his eyes. If he kept staring at Ravi like this, surely his intentions would be too obvious. But if he kept avoiding eye contact, there was also something suspicious about that as well. 

He let out a soft sigh, looking down. 

"Are you nervous, hyung?" Wonsik asked. 

"Why would I be nervous?" he asked, tensely. 

"I don't know. We're all alone. It's late." Wonsik quirked an eyebrow, getting up from his chair and sitting down next to Taekwoon casually. He stretched his legs out in front of him, turning his head lazily so he could stare at Taekwoon's sharp profile. "Are you tired?" 

Taekwoon shrugged, moving over so there was more space between them. Undeterred, Wonsik leaned in closer, so that he was almost on top of Taekwoon. "Do I make you uncomfortable, hyung?" 

Taekwoon didn't answer right away. His eyes lingered on Wonsik's lips. They were nice, he could tell he had used Jaehwan's tinted rose lip balm. They looked kissable. But that was precisely what he  _didn't_ say. Instead, he choked out, "Don't you belong to Jaehwan?" An interesting choice of words, Wonsik thought. 

"Jaehwan is cute," Wonsik agreed. "I like him." 

"Then what are you trying to do?" Taekwoon asked, his hands pressed against Wonsik's chest. Tread carefully, his eyes were saying. You won't be able to take any of this back. 

 _I don't want to,_ Wonsik found himself thinking.  _I don't want to take any of this back. I want to do this. I want this._

When their lips first touched, it was hesitant, almost cautious. Like dipping your toes in the water, just as a tester. But when Taekwoon reciprocated, he knew it was all over. Now it was real. Their arms wrapped around each other, fitting together like pieces of a puzzle. Something just clicked, and instincts took over. Taekwoon's hands lifted his shirt and Wonsik threw it across the room. Their movements were hurried, hasty, and impatient—wildly different to Jaehwan's slow and sweet pace. Before long, they were a mess on the couch, articles of clothing tossed hurriedly off, lips messily pressing against each other. Their pants unbuttoned, but not yet taken off. 

"Ravi," Taekwoon said softly into their kiss. "Ravi-ah," 

"What?" Wonsik asked, impatient. 

"Is it really you?" Taekwoon asked, his voice as vague as his question. 

Wonsik paused, frozen and hovering over Taekwoon. What kind of question was that? He lowered his body onto Taekwoon's, so that there was no space in between them. His lips brushed over Taekwoon's neck, "Does it matter?" 

 

 

Wonsik couldn't sleep. He glanced at the clock and sighed when he realized it was almost two a.m. Jaehwan was probably asleep right now, curled up on the corner of the bed, pissed off because Wonsik was neglecting him.

That's why he liked Taekwoon, Wonsik thinks, looking down at the top of his head. He was easy. There were no fights, no misunderstandings. It was just him and Taekwoon. Just mutual agreement.

"Taekwoon hyung?" 

"Hmm?" came the sleepy reply. 

"Do you love me?" 

A pause. Hesitance. Then, an unconvincing, "Yes, Ravi. I love you." 

"But do you love  _me._ Kim Wonsik. Do you think you can love my snoring and my bad cooking and my cursing and my morning breath?" there was something very un-Ravi about his voice. Something whiny, self-conscious, and needy—Wonsikesque. 

"Tomorrow," Taekwoon said softly. "Let's talk about this tomorrow." 

He knew what that meant.  _Let's talk about the consequences of our actions tomorrow, when we've sobered up and we're in our right minds._ That was answer enough for him. 

Wonsik get out, flinging his coat over Taekwoon's pale body, and absentmindedly excused himself. He stepped out of the studio, thinking about everything that had happened as he walked down the stairs and into the street. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it unconsciously. 

He walked to the dorm. It was only a fifteen minute walk, twenty if he really stretched it. But the weather was nice, and the stars shined brightly tonight. It seemed too nice of a night to cause so much trouble, he thought. 

 _Oh well,_ Wonsik exhaled and watched the smoke dissipate into the air. _That's that._

 

 

 

When he made it to the dorms, he didn't bother to wash his face or brush his teeth. He just wanted to be next to Jaehwan. 

"Jaehwan-ah," he hummed in a singsong voice. "Jaehwanie," he muttered softly under his breath. 

Without turning on the lights, Wonsik made his way to the bed, the floor creaking slightly under the foreign weight. The window was wide open, and in the silver moonlight, he could see Jaehwan's slim body, and a sliver of his tummy exposed. He looked peaceful. 

Wonsik crawled into the bed, grateful for Jaehwan's warm body. He slipped off his shirt and kicked off his pants, pulling Jaehwan's small body closer to his own. Instinctively, Jaehwan's arms snaked around his waist and his legs slipped between Wonsik's. Jaehwan's hair tickled the underside of Wonsik's chin as they pulled even closer together. 

"You smell like smoke," Jaehwan said in a breathy whisper. "Where were you?"

"You're awake?" Wonsik's hands rubbed Jaehwan's back, sending pleasant shivers down the latter's spine.  

Jaehwan nodded, "I was waiting for you."

"I was just at the studio," Wonsik said, tracing little shapes on Jaehwan's skin. 

"Was Taekwoon with you?" 

Wonsik hesitated, his hands pausing for a second before resuming their mindless activity, "No." 

"You're really good at what you do," Jaehwan murmured, his breath warm against Wonsik's neck.

"What's that?"

A tantalizingly slow smile grew on his face, "Lying."

 

* * *

 

Wonsik blew smoke out in an unhurried, chic way. He imagined himself returning to the dorm, begging Jaehwan to forgive him. To just overlook him one more time. _"Please,"_ he imagined himself saying. _"I love you. I love only you."_

Then, he imagined Taekwoon standing in the background, his lips like alcohol, calling to him again. Forever something untouchable to him. 

Wonsik disliked both scenarios. He was greedy. He wanted Jaehwan's unconditional love, but he liked the thrilling cat-and-mouse chase he had with Taekwoon. He liked Jaehwan's slow kisses, but he wanted Taekwoon's impatient, messy love. He loved Jaehwan's consistent affection, but he also loved Taekwoon's ephemeral passion. 

So, who does he choose now?

Sweet, good-natured Jaehwan who gave him unconditional love? Or intense, passionate Taekwoon, who gave him a spiked heartbeat? Should he stick with reliable Jaehwan, or move on to hedonistic Taekwoon?

He laughed a little, taking a long drag of his cigarette. Since when had his love life become so dramatic? 

Okay, he thought, kicking at rocks by his feet. He'd make up his mind in the morning, when the city woke up and he could think properly. For now, all he could do was wander the streets of Seoul alone until the sun came up, forcing him to come to a decision. 

Wonsik dropped his cigarette and crushed it under the heel of his boots. He started to walk, one foot in front of the other, humming softly under his breath. He wondered where his path would lead him—to the dorms where Jaehwan was waiting, or to the studio, where Taekwoon was sleeping, unaware of all the troubles that were to come. He was curious, but for the time being, he would take the slow route. 

**Author's Note:**

> i like the concept of choosing between a reliable love and unpredictable but euphoric love. y'all can imagine what wonsik would choose. i left the ending open to interpretation.


End file.
